Mom-related Insecurities

I had mentioned a while back that my mum’s long lost love was back in her life – which is absolutely excellent. I love that she is finally talking to a man after decades. I love that her interest in men has been rekindled. I love that when she’s done chatting with Sam – her ‘lover’s’ name – she looks pleasantly happy and flushed. I would like it if he could come over and spend time with her. I daydream that he comes and takes her away to London – that’s where he stays – and they settle down and live a happy-ever-after life. She deserves it, right?

But there’s this vicious part of me that is so insecure that she will leave me and go. I know this sounds super whacko. Generally, it’s the parents who behave in this manner and are scared their kids will forget them. I get it. Though I probably have Stockholm, I really feel like I have invested so much of my life in her. I have done everything she asked of me, given her quite a bit of what she’s wanted, taken her on ad-hoc trips, and always abided by her OCD-riddled life.

All through my young-age, through school, college, and workdays, until I was 29 -until three years back, I wanted to leave her and live a free, oxygen life – if you know what I mean. But life has taken a strange turn. I now want to be with her. I want the remaining of our lives to be happy, I want her to never want anything else, and I want her to enjoy life with me. I knew a few days back that I am going overboard when I decided to leave my husband again, just to go spend time with her for a year.

Not that my husband and I are separating or the like. He and I have a great bond, and he understands my predicament. He does have his fair share of complaints where he tells me I spend way too much time with my mom and demands that I spend an equal amount of time with him, but the fact is that he gets it. He really gets it and doesn’t make me feel bad about my decisions.

But now that Sam is in mum’s life, I wonder. Will she leave me to be with him? While I know the answer is a hard no, I still have my insecurities. Why is it a hard no? Because I know she loves me like crazy, and nothing can deter that. Why then do I doubt her love? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fear of newfound love and companionship?

#just some raw feelings

Overworking Is Now the New Escalation

When your colleagues perform better than you, I agree there’s going to be a lot of jealousy on your part. That’s obvious, no? But what’s baffling is when the team leader has a problem with you (in this case, me) performing better than the rest.

So here’s the context. I hate that witch. It’s a fact that female bosses are always a pain in the arse. I am sure when I get there, people will hate me too. That’s just how it goes. Period. But she and I have been having issues ever since I stepped foot in the project. We’ve been at loggerheads, mostly with me insulting the fuck out of her team-leading skills. We had quite a few back-and-forth emails with all the management marked on it, after which the delivery manager gave me a call and had a friendly chat with me.
He agreed with most of the stuff I mentioned in my mails, gave me kudos for the excellent work I have been doing ever since I joined, and requested me not to ‘rip’ a person. I could see he was on my side, so I adhered to his request and moved on with my work.

But then they went and fired a dear guy who was the job assigner and got this particular team leader to start assigning jobs. And oh my god! It’s been hell having to communicate with her. Last month my productivity was a good 183%, and I continued to be among the top-performing associates. I think she was so pissed with that, that now she doesn’t assign a lot of jobs to me. I would ideally work around 12-14 hours a day and pitch in on my weekends because the productivity and quality reports give me a high. So I started doing more. But now that she has taken over, she doesn’t allow me to work on weekends, gives me no jobs, and has told me blatantly on my face, “you cannot boost your productivity at the cost of other QAs.”

Seriously? So now, her problem is that I am overworking and trying to be the best? I am filled with rage, and this rage is eating into me and making my work life quite difficult. While I can’t get back to ‘ripping’ her, I need to find a way to combat this issue. I shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed or awkward about working more, right?

#female bosses suck

The Bible Tells Me To Never Call Someone An Idiot – My Day Is Incomplete Without Calling At least 10 People the Same.

downloadI know it’s not right to abuse people – verbally, physically, or emotionally. But it gets hard to deal with nincompoops day in and day out. I work in a process that has stupid people. Like, the whole process has dumbasses – from the management to the juniors.

I work as a process lead, but I am a proofreader, which means I check content for fundamental grammar issues, syntax, and the like. Now we have a team of writers who don’t know shit, and I wonder, how the hell have they been surviving in the process for two darned years? I just joined the process back in December, and I think (at the risk of sounding crass) that I have been able to perform way better than the ones who have been doing a crappy job for years. So I wonder, what is the management doing to combat incompetent employees?

The answer is – NOTHING! They agree that the team has “crackpots,” “idiots,” and is probably the worst team that they have put together, but it ends there. So I wonder, how are the excellent, efficient employees supposed to deal with an entire group of employees who get easy money? It gets difficult.

Now with the lockdown on, work has become more hectic than it was working in the office. Because now work begins at 7 am and should ideally end at 5 pm, but it goes on till midnight at least thrice a week. That means those many hours of dealing with dimwits. Argh!

Most of this post didn’t even make sense, but ok.

#work feelings

Money Heist – What’s Gonna Progress BTW Alicia and the Professor?

download (1)What’s going to happen to the Professor now that he has been caught red-handed? People have been saying that Alicia is probably Berlin’s wife, who has come to take revenge on the Professor. Hmm!
Now, this is what I think. Alicia is screwed, left, right, and center. Either way, if she hands over the Professor to the police or not, she will still be in prison for the rest of her life. I mean, after she screwed over Tamayo, she knew damn well that she was in for some kickass music. Probably death metal kind of music, no? But in the end, she does figure where the Professor is and comes face to face with him. What happens next?
What I think will happen next is that the Professor will get her to join him and his gang. I don’t see another go. He will offer her a considerable sum of money, he can hide her and keep her protected for life – if she adheres to the dos and donts, and she will be able to bring up her child the way she wants. If she doesn’t join him and his gang, then she is again doomed, because it’s not like the Professor will allow her to catch him and send him to the cops, right? I mean, he’s well-versed with all sorts of fights (I am presuming). Plus, she knows the ins and outs of the Force. Right? It will be a great idea to join the Professor if she wants to have a secure future.

What decision is Alicia Sierra going to take?
#money heist thoughts

Travelers

They are all travelers
Some of them travel alone
But aren’t they the best sellers?
The ones that miss the scent of his cologne?

womenTwo’s a company, three’s a crowd
So why not just let him be mine?
How I wish over them was a shroud
Oh, did that run a chill down your spine?

Can you blame me though
for it is I who deserves to be with him
He is my beau
why do they all act and dress so prim?

In the end, they are still travelers maligned
Traveling and halting at destinations
Between his heart and mind
well, there’s no point anyway, since they failed in their period of probation

Their painted lips
Shadowed eyelid
Do not come between us as an eclipse
Neither does their seductive stance which is not worth a quid

Their eyes travel the length of my valentine
Sniff out his freshly laundered apparel
Well, through my eyes that’s a victimless crime
For I know their thoughts are lewd and feral

I have no mercy for these travelers
Who travel with a conscience to thieve his love
Sure, each traveler’s performance is stellar
But sadly, they realized too late it was a futile shove

For he came here to be mine alone
To turn my tears to laughter
Saved all his love for me, nothing could he loan
Knew that there was no one he’d rather go after

So, what happened about the travelers you ask?
Well, they travel on
Of course, their hurt they mask
but they travel on to their next pawn

 

 

A Road Accident That I Witnessed Today

With the lockdown going on, it gets difficult to get out to shop for groceries. The best time to do so is between 7 and 8 in the morning. That’s when the fresh vegetables come in the market, fresh milk packets are sold, and when I can take the bike out without getting caught by the police (because neither do I have a license nor a helmet – which I intend on getting once the lockdown ends).

I went for the first set of shopping – vegetables. I got home and mum said she wanted to have bread and a good sausage omelet. But we’d been out of bread for a few days; so I stepped out again to figure where I could get bread from. I stopped at the regular supermarket, but they blatantly gave me stale bread. I demanded the fresh bread that just came – I mean I saw the bread truck unloading a whole load of fresh bread, but they said the fresh bread was for another store and gave me the option of either taking the stale bread or nothing. I was in a dilemma. Mum wanted bread and I had to get it for her – but I was not that desperate to buy old bread. I walked away and decided to go further to another supermarket. Luckily I got bread there and I was on my way back home when I saw a crowd had gathered in the middle of the road ahead.

I knew instantly there was a mishap (obviously). As I rode nearer to the crowd, I saw two bikes lying on the road. The bikes were upturned and the wheels were still whirring and whizzing, but the riders were not to be seen. I inched closer and saw that one of the bike riders was lying on the road, motionless. He wore a red t-shirt and black pants. I panicked. Everyone was panicking. He was dead – or so it seemed. Until a few minutes later he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. I flinched and was instantly filled with a  feeling of guilt. A range of emotions sped through me – fear, relief, anxiousness, and helplessness.

By God’s grace, he gradually gained consciousness and people were trying to help him up. I wanted to tell them to stop moving him around in quick, jerky movements. But I was transfixed to the spot. As they tried to lift him up, I saw a pool of blood had accumulated under his head. He was bleeding profusely. Then I saw the second rider. He was hovering over the bruised rider and was probably praying to God that the former had survived the crash. The second rider has scraped his face, but he was fine.

I started my bike and rode on towards home. What could I do there anyway? I would just be contributing to the roadblock. Neither was I being productive, nor helpful. And that’s when the realization struck. It’s so easy for us to always blame onlookers when an accident takes place. As news readers, video watchers, and the like,  we always say “that guy/girl could have helped out”. But that’s not true. We will never know what emotions the onlooker is going through; what their speedbumps are and what their limitations are.

I got home and handed over the bread to mum and started thinking. Shit happens all the time to everyone. We all think that we are going through hell, but the fact is that everyone goes through the same share of shit every day. This is exactly why we have to be thankful for all the small mercies in life.

#happy for all the good things I have been given by God!

 

Does My Mother Miss the Touch Of a Man?

momMy mum divorced my dad 2.7 decades back. My father slept around with numerous women – friends, relatives, hoes. He eventually left us to hook up with a prostitute. I never understood that. My mum was the perfect wife – but I guess being the perfect wife doesn’t count. He loved sleeping around with women. When my mum confronted him, he brazenly said: “I need variety”.

The irony was that the prostitute was also a lawyer and she got my parents divorced. Mum tried her best to make the marriage work for 14 years until one night she told dad to get out of the house. He was shocked. He never thought she would say that. He thought he’d threaten her and responded, “I will leave.” Mom looked straight into his eyes and said: “The door is right there.” After he left that night, he never turned back or returned home. Mum heaved a sigh of relief. She was done being a part of a verbal, physical, and emotionally abusive marriage.

From 1992, she’s been single. And I wonder, does she miss being with a man? I am sure she does. Ever since I became an adult, I have had several flings. Now that I am married, I think about her all the time and the fact that she doesn’t have a partner. I wonder what it must be like to have no sex, no caresses, no hugs, no reassurances, no moral support, no laughter, no good times with your better half. It must be so sad for her.

But all she looks forward to is seeing me, being with me, going on adventures with me, and having the time of her life with me. Recently, an old flame of hers reached out to her and seems like he’s been trying his best to rekindle the magic between them. But for some reason, she isn’t interested anymore. I wonder why. She told me he was the first love of her life and shared her first kiss with him. I was ecstatic when I heard he reached out to her. I started dreaming. Dreaming of her reuniting with him, meeting him, seeing her be happy with a man, seeing her blush. I always fantasize about being able to rewind time. If I could, it would be for her to not get married to my dad, but to someone that she loved, so she could live a beautiful life.

I want her to be happy. I mean, it’s not like she was the best mother. She was by far the worst that any child could have. I know this seems out of place, considering what I have written above. Though that is indeed true. But seems like I have Stockholm. That’s what my friends say. Maybe they are right. Because why would someone love her mother so much after she was beaten black and blue for 28 years by her mother? 

Whether it is Stockholm or genuine love, I don’t know. But I do want to see my mother be happy. Will that be possible? I don’t know. I sure do hope for good times for her. I hope that she gets to go on dates and have the time of her life. I try my best to make her happy, but having a better half cannot be compensated with anything else. 

#life is tough for many

Hey

downloadI said ‘hey
You said ‘che’
I asked you what’s ‘che’
You said in Argentina it meant ‘hey

I laughed and walked along
You smiled and turned away
I thought I heard you hum a song
I was ecstatic and gay

This was our daily routine
And I thought we must take it ahead
So I asked you out when you wore that old jean
You said yes and I blushed red

We went to a quaint cafe
Spoke about topics that were fun and light
This is what we did all-day
Then you took me to a lounge in the night

I said ‘hey
You said ‘che’
You still looked handsome with your hair quite grey
A bright day that was in May

It’s just been three years
But you looked like you aged by ten
Your paunch showed you had one too many beers
But I thought you still looked attractive then

You asked me, “Who’s the lucky one?’
That was what I wanted to know about you
I said ‘None’
You looked shocked like you had no clue

We walked and you looked at me questioningly
I looked back and raised my eyebrows
You asked me tenderly
” Why didn’t you exchange those vows?”

I said, “You never asked”
You said,” I didn’t know”
I replied,” You should have asked”
You replied,” I’d love to be your beau”

Now a year has passed since then
I can’t imagine where you possibly are
I hope you are fine, amen!
Though we are marred by an invisible scar

What happened four years ago and three after
I do not want to talk of
You brought me great love and laughter
That the jealous would scoff

Too precious were those moments
I feel if I say them out loud, I might in some manner jinx them
You never told me you too were fervent
If only you’d have told me you thought I were a gem

I know we’d have been a success story
Right now, we’d probably be in bed together
Basking in our marriage of glory
Savoring our kisses in this romantic weather

I know thinking of what’s not there is futile
But I love dreaming of what could have been
Oh, trust me! I’m not senile
Why are tears running down my quivering lips and chin?

I know I have to get over you
It will be difficult, but I must
My second chance with you I blew
But know that for you I had love, not lust

I get out of the home to take a walk down our lane
And I see that guy we met from downtown
He was in a cafe… I could see him through a pane
He saw me, on his face came a frown

He was probably thinking why I looked so familiar
Then he jumped up and came running out
He greeted me with cordial cheer
I wondered what this was all about

I said ‘hey
He said, ‘oye’
I asked him what is ‘oye’?
He said in Spanish it meant ‘hey

I smiled and I know its rude, but I walked away
I better get home, the sky turned grey
He went back into the cafe
Done with men who can’t say ‘hey

“Be Kind”, said Ellen DeGeneres

ellenNews sites have been rife with news of how ‘kind’ Ellen has been. Hasn’t she? She’s given thousands a life worth living. She’s given millions of dollars across the 17 seasons. Yet, now people say that she is not what she claims to be. Do we believe that? Yes, we do. Because as viewers, the audience in her show, and takers of her generosity, we don’t know what happens backstage.

So when people working for her say that she’s mean, when not one, but a whole load of them say she is not what she displays, we do have to take a step back and ponder over that. Now here’s something that I think about when I read the news. Ellen lived a difficult life. She lost her girlfriend whom she lived with, she went through her own set of hardships, and it took immense strength, courage, and balls to get back in the limelight, tell the world you are gay at a time when no one spoke about in hush-hush tones either, and then rise to a stature of – whom do I quote here?  I don’t know.

I think the success and life she built for herself is commendable and cannot compare to anyone else’s. But here’s what I think. I believe that behind that whole mask of telling the world to be compassionate and kind is a complete set of raw emotions, ones she can never get over. All those pent up emotions (I know she became quite vocal about her thoughts, but who’s to say she has spoken about them all?) from all her years of difficulties is what makes her a version of Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. There’s a part of her that wants to do so much for the world because of the difficulties she’s been through in life. But it’s also those same difficulties and mockery she was a victim of that makes her a particular mean monster that people claim she is.

Come to think of it, aren’t we all like that? We all are at the end of the day human. If Nikkie from Nikkie Tutorials thought she deserved to be welcome with a whole lot of drama and fanfare, why should she? Has she done anything that people at a higher position who have been on the Ellen show have done? I don’t think so. I know this sounds very blase, but people like Obama, Michelle Obama, Jennifer Aniston, etc., come on the show and are so humble that it melts your heart to see humility in its essence.

What I am trying to say here is, an incompetent employee is bound to piss anyone off. Is the whole Ellen crew saying she sucked? No. Just some nincompoop who couldn’t impress her enough to gain her attention. So what? Big deal.

There’s bigger shit happening in the world now, and we are trying to drag someone like Ellen into the mud? That’s so not cool, I tell you. So do we believe she’s mean? Maybe she is, but does it matter? The amount of good she has done – be it for popularity or genuine concern – is enough to override all her meanness. Agree?

#Move On