Mom-related Insecurities

I had mentioned a while back that my mum’s long lost love was back in her life – which is absolutely excellent. I love that she is finally talking to a man after decades. I love that her interest in men has been rekindled. I love that when she’s done chatting with Sam – her ‘lover’s’ name – she looks pleasantly happy and flushed. I would like it if he could come over and spend time with her. I daydream that he comes and takes her away to London – that’s where he stays – and they settle down and live a happy-ever-after life. She deserves it, right?

But there’s this vicious part of me that is so insecure that she will leave me and go. I know this sounds super whacko. Generally, it’s the parents who behave in this manner and are scared their kids will forget them. I get it. Though I probably have Stockholm, I really feel like I have invested so much of my life in her. I have done everything she asked of me, given her quite a bit of what she’s wanted, taken her on ad-hoc trips, and always abided by her OCD-riddled life.

All through my young-age, through school, college, and workdays, until I was 29 -until three years back, I wanted to leave her and live a free, oxygen life – if you know what I mean. But life has taken a strange turn. I now want to be with her. I want the remaining of our lives to be happy, I want her to never want anything else, and I want her to enjoy life with me. I knew a few days back that I am going overboard when I decided to leave my husband again, just to go spend time with her for a year.

Not that my husband and I are separating or the like. He and I have a great bond, and he understands my predicament. He does have his fair share of complaints where he tells me I spend way too much time with my mom and demands that I spend an equal amount of time with him, but the fact is that he gets it. He really gets it and doesn’t make me feel bad about my decisions.

But now that Sam is in mum’s life, I wonder. Will she leave me to be with him? While I know the answer is a hard no, I still have my insecurities. Why is it a hard no? Because I know she loves me like crazy, and nothing can deter that. Why then do I doubt her love? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fear of newfound love and companionship?

#just some raw feelings

Does My Mother Miss the Touch Of a Man?

momMy mum divorced my dad 2.7 decades back. My father slept around with numerous women – friends, relatives, hoes. He eventually left us to hook up with a prostitute. I never understood that. My mum was the perfect wife – but I guess being the perfect wife doesn’t count. He loved sleeping around with women. When my mum confronted him, he brazenly said: “I need variety”.

The irony was that the prostitute was also a lawyer and she got my parents divorced. Mum tried her best to make the marriage work for 14 years until one night she told dad to get out of the house. He was shocked. He never thought she would say that. He thought he’d threaten her and responded, “I will leave.” Mom looked straight into his eyes and said: “The door is right there.” After he left that night, he never turned back or returned home. Mum heaved a sigh of relief. She was done being a part of a verbal, physical, and emotionally abusive marriage.

From 1992, she’s been single. And I wonder, does she miss being with a man? I am sure she does. Ever since I became an adult, I have had several flings. Now that I am married, I think about her all the time and the fact that she doesn’t have a partner. I wonder what it must be like to have no sex, no caresses, no hugs, no reassurances, no moral support, no laughter, no good times with your better half. It must be so sad for her.

But all she looks forward to is seeing me, being with me, going on adventures with me, and having the time of her life with me. Recently, an old flame of hers reached out to her and seems like he’s been trying his best to rekindle the magic between them. But for some reason, she isn’t interested anymore. I wonder why. She told me he was the first love of her life and shared her first kiss with him. I was ecstatic when I heard he reached out to her. I started dreaming. Dreaming of her reuniting with him, meeting him, seeing her be happy with a man, seeing her blush. I always fantasize about being able to rewind time. If I could, it would be for her to not get married to my dad, but to someone that she loved, so she could live a beautiful life.

I want her to be happy. I mean, it’s not like she was the best mother. She was by far the worst that any child could have. I know this seems out of place, considering what I have written above. Though that is indeed true. But seems like I have Stockholm. That’s what my friends say. Maybe they are right. Because why would someone love her mother so much after she was beaten black and blue for 28 years by her mother? 

Whether it is Stockholm or genuine love, I don’t know. But I do want to see my mother be happy. Will that be possible? I don’t know. I sure do hope for good times for her. I hope that she gets to go on dates and have the time of her life. I try my best to make her happy, but having a better half cannot be compensated with anything else. 

#life is tough for many